sweet rest.

"When the Lord brought back the captive ones of Zion, we were like those who dream. 
Then our mouth was filled with laughter and our tongue with joyful shouting; then they said among the nations 'The Lord has done great things for them.'" Psalm 126: 1-2


I'm a dreamer again. 


Over the last few weeks I've started trusting sleep again. 


I remember a time when I was little and I would have beautiful dreams. They were never about anything that happened at school or even about movies I had watched. They were always about beautiful things...like flowers and paintings and sunsets...things like that. That might sound strange for a little girl to dream like that...but I loved it. 


But, something stole that from me. I began to have nightmares and I completely dreaded sleeping. Starting in high school, I would stay up all hours of the night doing anything from writing, cleaning, walking, driving, facebook, etc., then try to function the next day. It continued until just a couple of weeks ago. I was still staying up all night, then I would go to work from 7-6 with 11 crazy but oh, so sweet 2 year olds. I never knew that my attitude was reflecting onto my kids. I would go and go and go until there was nothing left. Then, do the same thing the next night. It was a vicious cycle and it was wearing me thin. 


I hated sleep. I would make jokes about how overrated it was, but deep down, I longed to be able to lay my head down on my pillow, close my eyes and not flash back to one of the most horrible and scarring times in my life. A time I never wanted to face again. Daylight would come and it would slip from my mind, but as soon as night would fall, it crept up on me like a thief.


This is how life was before the weekend of Feb. 25th...before the Women's Retreat.


On the second night of the retreat I pulled a friend to the side and asked if we could talk. I didn't know exactly how this was going to go, but I was going to lay all my crap out on the table and say, "this is my mess" and hope that she didn't think i was absolutely crazy. Her response was the complete opposite. She was so welcoming, loving, understanding...I can't believe I expected any less. We talked for awhile and she encouraged me in a lot of ways, but what stuck out to me the most was when she said, "You have a choice. You can either continue walking in this or you can walk in freedom. What's it going to be?"


Wow. I had a choice. I think deep down that I knew I had a choice, but all my life I had other people make choices for me, so I was scared to make one for myself. 


She continued talking as I was trying to digest the question she had asked. My mind was slipping in and out of our conversation and I was only catching bits and pieces (I'm not sure if it was because she really got me with the freedom question or if it was because we were crowding 2 a.m.).


The next thing I heard her say slammed into me like a ton of bricks. Something I had heard before, but something I had definitely been avoiding.


"It's time to talk to Reba."


No, Ana was not suggesting that I talk to the country music singer. 


For those of you who don't know, Reba Russell has a ministry at Messiah's House called Total Freedom Ministry. When I would hear people talk about her or this ministry, I would shut down. The walls would go up and I would check out of the conversation. I might not have liked where I was in life, but the thought of freedom from it, the thought of freedom from something I had always known, something I was used to...it was just unheard of. Silly, right? So, as always, I quickly changed the subject hoping she would just kind of forget she mentioned that. 


We talked a few minutes longer, then headed to bed....only to be woken up less than 5 hours later.(: haha.


I got ready Sunday morning, skipped breakfast and waited impatiently to leave. We made it to church shortly before it began. Worship started and I can remember thinking, "I'm so exhausted Lord." We started singing a song that Bradley wrote, "I want to be who I was made to be". Before I knew it, my tear ducts were on overdrive. I was sitting in my chair just sobbing. Several women surrounded me and started praying over me. I could hear Marci, Jacque and Cheryl singing "It's all gonna be okay" over me as I just crumbled and wept. Ana came over and said, "just let me hold you". I hugged her and continued to weep as the Lord was showing me that this is where I belonged, that I had a family with these women and with everyone in Messiah's House and that it is a safe place. It had been right in front of me for almost three years but I had spent those three years pushing people away.


Cheryl asked me to go out in the foyer so I could just take some time to just cry. Marci, Ana and Nancy followed closely behind. I got to the doors at the back of the sanctuary and there she was...Reba was standing there waiting. She took my hand and instantly I felt safe. A sense of peace came over me and I knew it was the Holy Spirit flowing through her and into me. 


I'm not going to go into great detail on this because it's for another time and another blog, but I believe that the sweet encounter I had with the Lord that morning really began the giving back of my dreams.

That night, I got ready for bed and something was different. I wasn't scared. I knew that I was going to be okay because my Daddy would protect me. 


I crawled into bed (at 10:00 p.m.!!!) and it wasn't long before I drifted off into the most wonderful sleep I'd had in FOREVER.


I began to dream that I was walking down this beautiful stone path. In the stone there were different kinds of breath taking jewels...diamonds and rubies everywhere. I kept walking and soon approached these HUGE double doors...they were full of jewels as well. I pushed open the door and walked through. There were people dancing and worshipping everywhere and laughter filled the place. Flowers and the sound of birds chirping surrounded me. I kept walking and Jesus was standing there. He took me in His arms, tears of joy streaming down my face. He lifted my eyes to meet His, wiped away my tears and said, "This is what joy looks like." He then turned me around and pointed to the double doors and said, "That is your door of hope."


I woke up sobbing! I grabbed my journal and bible so I could write it down and when I opened my bible, it opened to Hosea 2 and verse 15 was highlighted. 


"Then I will give her her vineyards from there, and the valley of Achor as a door of hope. And she will sing there as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up from the land of Egypt."


Woah. 


This has been my favorite dream, so far. I know He is giving me more...and not just in the sleeping sense. I believe that He is giving back the dreams I had in my heart! 


I'm a dreamer again!